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No Laughing Matter

Just Say No..... to Discount Beef !!

January 24th, 2003 --
Yeah, so I got a case of Food Poisoning somehow last weekend.  That was a mess.  As far as I can tell, I've narrowed the culprit down to some bad beef, picked up THAT DAY and cooked to perfection in my Taco Salad.  Thing is, I just bought the meat not 2 hours before I cooked it.  It tasted fine at the time.  Several hours later, the beef made a return visit that wasn't as tasty.  Being awakened at 5:20 AM with slight stomach pain is one thing.  You can get over that.  However, being awakened at 5:20 AM, with the urge to puke up your intestines, that's not so easy to forget.  And it wasn't as though it was just a little puke.  There was BUCKETS of the stuff.  Where the Hell did it all come from?  I didn't eat THAT much.  And why did it look like chopped carrots?  I haven't had carrots in months!!  At times, there was so much of it going out, that a portion took a detour and shot out of my nose.  And let me tell ya, puke is not a fun thing to clean out of your facial hair. 
So after all that fun, I decided to go back to bed for a little while, and wouldn't you know it, as soon as I get the covers on, the remainder of my stomach contents decided that THEY needed to come out too, but they were taking the South Exit.  I never knew before that day that you could PHYSICALLY urinate out of your ass.  It was really the most disgusting thing ever.  And the fucker stayed with me too. I went to work and lasted about 3 hours.  Kelly, bless her heart, brought be so NASTY "Peptic Bismo" and some Immodium, and the boss told me to go home and sleep it off.  I'll tell you, when I got home, sleep I did.  I spent most of the day in a near comatose state, shivering and overheating at the same time, and holding my stomach occationally.  I must have been a very pathetic sight. 
Two days later, I had a slight relapse with the puking and pooping, but thankfully it wasn't quite as bad.  I think that in view of all this, I'm just gonna put a ban on all beef related food.  It's for the best.  Maybe it's the cows doing it.  Maybe they're pissed off that we've been eating them, and making them into Baseball Gloves all these years.  It's Bovine Revenge!!  And soon, they will rise up against us, and remake the world in their image... using us for meat and clothing... Damn dirty Cows.... Damn you all to Hell !!